The Cup

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” – Luke 22:42

My brother died today.   I feel so many things all at once, and feel completely numb and can’t feel anything, and don’t know what to feel, all at the same time.

I have the best parents anyone could ever have.   I love them more than the sun and the stars and the sky.  I worship the ground they walk on.  And I’d have tossed both of them into the fire without hesitation if it would have saved my brother.

I prayed a thousand crazy prayers over the past two weeks.   I’ve never been blessed with a wife or kids, but I have a little kitty for ten years now who I adore almost like my baby.   And I begged God to take my cat and leave my brother.   I begged God to take me and leave him.   Promised God I’d be in church every Sunday and always eat my vegetables, even the broccoli.

And now he’s gone.

The hard part isn’t the funeral.   The hard part is figuring out how to spend the next 50 years when he was supposed to be there so I could crash on his couch and watch movies with him and go running with him and play basketball with him and go on vacations with him and have Sunday lunch with him and let him be Uncle to my kids and I just want to curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head and pretend he’s still there and that this is all a bad nightmare.  Except I can’t.

One of these days I’m going to meet God.   And right now I have no idea what I’m going to say to Him after days like today.  I’m trying to find reason and meaning in all this.   But all I have is a huge hole in my soul where I should have a brother.

“Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks.” – Forrest Gump

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8 Responses to The Cup

  1. Angela G Campbell says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. And deeply saddened. I lost my sister Robbin at the very tender age of just 35. That was 1995 and I still have a hole in my heart that only she could fill. Love you and sending prayers for healing for your hearts . Roland and Janice are two of the best folks I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Love to you all at this most tragic time in your lives.

  2. cathy lewis says:

    The hole will remain Matt. Nothing will ever fill it. I lost my dad at 18. My brother 10 years ago, my sister 8 years, and my mom almost 7. Nothing fills those voids. Ever. Time does make the loss easier to bear. I think it just wears us down. I fought the cancer monster and am 16 years out. My brother now fights it with stage 4 colon cancer. No doubt this monster rages. I can only keep fighting it through donations to the causes, fighting for legalization of medical marijuana to help reduce tumors, pain, and sickness for cancer, MLS, PTSD, pain management and other symptoms. Fight. Just keep fighting for those lost and those still here. Never stop. There will never be enough rocks until the monster is defeated.

  3. Marsha Hogan says:

    Mathew, I am a friend of Kevin’s. I worked with him for a long time until my retirement June 30, 2017. Kevin was a good friend, a good buddy. He was smart, funny, caring, helpful, and you could always count on Kevin if you needed him. After reading your blog The Cup; I thought to myself both of you sound so much a like. What I take from that you must have the most amazing and awesome parents in the whole wide world, because you and Kevin are so amazing and awesome. No you don’t have reason or meaning in this, but you have the love in your soul and the knowledge that Kevin is now in our Lords arms and he is alive and well, no more sickness or tears! Praise God!!!✝️✝️✝️🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️ And you will be with him again! I am praying for you and your parents. I pray God gives you all strength, peace, comfort, and love. God Bless with Sincere Sympathy, Marsha Hogan

  4. Wendy Bingham says:

    I don’t know you but I had the HONOR to know Kevin. No matter what time of day or what kind of situation I never remember seeing him without that big smile and a kind word. Kevin is ok now and if I know him like I think I do he is having so much fun. He would want the same for you as well. Yes this is a devastating time but also a time to celebrate him and the beautiful person he was. He will be right on your heels every step to carry and protect you. Hang on to that and keep his big ole smile going because the world needs it. Many prayers to you and your family. Kevin is your guardian and protector now so I would say you are in great hands!!!!!

  5. Thomas Farnsworth Jr says:

    Mathew. I can’t imagine losing my brother but lately it’s been a possibility and my worse fear has been to feel what your feeling now. We might not be close cousins but I feel your pain so tremendously right now. Death is so cruel when it takes a young life. Just know I believe my momma and pops and grandma and grandpa are there to show him around and surround him with family and love. And if you ever want to come down to FL and sink your toes in the sand I’m here. Kyleigh and Karleigh heal the soul I know because they have helped me smile through death and heartbreak. I’m praying hard for you and all the greif. Love ya.

  6. Janice D Binkley says:

    God does know how you feel. He sent His one and only son to die for us. He experienced the same pain we are having right now. Why do I think this? Because we are made in His image. He taught us what love is. We fail to recognize the sacrifice he was making when he sent Jesus down here to save his other children, us. I have always been amazed at his love for us when I think of the sacrifice that God/Jesus was able to make for us. Not only to suffer the physical pain, but to walk right into hell and pay the total price of redemption. Jesus suffering on the cross did not end at the cross. Something we can never imagine was happening . We don’t deserve such love. I don’t and can’t ever respect the depth of the sacrifice and pain he went through. He does know our hurt right now because he willingly walked this path of sacrifice to rescue us. Remember this- death is not forever. It is the passage boat that takes us home. In God’s mind death is the completion of our healing, our trip back to our Father, to our Kevin, our Granny’s and Grandpa’s our mothers and fathers our passage to our real home where we’ll see all those people we who have take the trip before us. They are watching for us, waiting to welcome us home, a home where there is no more death and suffering. A land where there is our Kevin.

  7. Ginger Ohlman says:

    Matthew, I am sorry for your loss. Words can’t express the pain that losing a sibling brings. I just lost my sister, which was what brought me to Missouri. While visiting her in the hospital, my nephew, her oldest son, suffered a stroke and two weeks after my sister passed, my nephew did as well. Talk about questions… sometimes the are no answers but we must have faith that He had a better plan. Kevin was the kindest person I’d met in my 19 years at AO Smith. Never a harsh word, always very helpful, funny, smart, trustworthy, and kind…he liked people and you could tell that. I will miss Kevin and his soul and spirit but I know he’s in a better place now, a place where he can be used to perhaps educate those of us who have become hardened in this world. Rest in peace, Kevin.

  8. cathy lewis says:

    Today was so sad and so beautiful. Kevin had so many who loved him and whose lives he touched. Adam and Kelsey’s tributes just put me over the edge. Know that Kevin will never be forgotten. He touched so many lives in so many ways. Never give up the fight that could have helped him and could help so many others. Hold your parents, family and friends close every day. We all continue to hold you in light and love.

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