“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” – Luke 22:42
My brother died today. I feel so many things all at once, and feel completely numb and can’t feel anything, and don’t know what to feel, all at the same time.
I have the best parents anyone could ever have. I love them more than the sun and the stars and the sky. I worship the ground they walk on. And I’d have tossed both of them into the fire without hesitation if it would have saved my brother.
I prayed a thousand crazy prayers over the past two weeks. I’ve never been blessed with a wife or kids, but I have a little kitty for ten years now who I adore almost like my baby. And I begged God to take my cat and leave my brother. I begged God to take me and leave him. Promised God I’d be in church every Sunday and always eat my vegetables, even the broccoli.
And now he’s gone.
The hard part isn’t the funeral. The hard part is figuring out how to spend the next 50 years when he was supposed to be there so I could crash on his couch and watch movies with him and go running with him and play basketball with him and go on vacations with him and have Sunday lunch with him and let him be Uncle to my kids and I just want to curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head and pretend he’s still there and that this is all a bad nightmare. Except I can’t.
One of these days I’m going to meet God. And right now I have no idea what I’m going to say to Him after days like today. I’m trying to find reason and meaning in all this. But all I have is a huge hole in my soul where I should have a brother.
“Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks.” – Forrest Gump